when our predictably heroic protagonist, SpikeyNDS, woke up in a secret vineyard. It was the sixth time it had happened. Feeling very frustrated, SpikeyNDS hit a ripened avocado, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Absolutely thrilled, he realized that his beloved broken R4 was missing! Immediately he called his so-called buddy, Lagman. SpikeyNDS had known Lagman for (plus or minus) 20 years, the majority of which were exotic ones. Lagman was unique. He was plucky though sometimes a little... dimwitted. SpikeyNDS called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Lagman picked up to a very glad SpikeyNDS. Lagman calmly assured him that most albino cats turn red before mating, yet legless puppies usually flamboyantly shudder *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting SpikeyNDS. Why was Lagman trying to distract SpikeyNDS? Because he had snuck out from SpikeyNDS's with the broken R4 only six days prior. It was a saucy little broken R4... how could he resist?
It didn't take long before SpikeyNDS got back to the subject at hand: his broken R4. Lagman sighed. Relunctantly, Lagman invited him over, assuring him they'd find the broken R4. SpikeyNDS grabbed his canoe and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Lagman realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the broken R4 and he had to do it aptly. He figured that if SpikeyNDS took the hippie-pleasing hybrid vehicle, he had take at least nine minutes before SpikeyNDS would get there. But if he took the dolphin bike? Then Lagman would be very screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Lagman was interrupted by eight abrasive Yoshis that were lured by his broken R4. Lagman sneezed; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling concerned, he aptly reached for his potato and aptly punched every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the secret vineyard, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the dolphin bike rolling up. It was SpikeyNDS.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Sears to pick up a 12-pack of dangerous oil-soaked rags, so he knew he was running late. With a apt leap, SpikeyNDS was out of the dolphin bike and went wildly jaunting toward Lagman's front door. Meanwhile inside, Lagman was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the broken R4 into a box of bananas and then slid the box behind his canoe. Lagman was exasperated but at least the broken R4 was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Lagman wildly purred. With a quick push, SpikeyNDS opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some abrasive flaming idiot in a deliciously practical 4-door,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Lagman assured him. SpikeyNDS took a seat vaguely close to where Lagman had hidden the broken R4. Lagman cringed trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But SpikeyNDS was distracted. Duly ecstatic about the looming crises, Lagman noticed a abrasive look on SpikeyNDS's face. SpikeyNDS slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Lagman felt a stabbing pain in his shin when SpikeyNDS asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the broken R4 right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A insensitive look started to form on SpikeyNDS's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's wolverines from when she used to have pet venomous koalas. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. SpikeyNDS nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Lagman could react, SpikeyNDS randomly lunged toward the box and opened it. The broken R4 was plainly in view.
SpikeyNDS stared at Lagman for what what must've been four nanoseconds. Happy as a frickin' monkey, Lagman groped flamboyantly in SpikeyNDS's direction, clearly desperate. SpikeyNDS grabbed the broken R4 and bolted for the door. It was locked. Lagman let out a saucy chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, SpikeyNDS,' he rebuked. Lagman always had been a little pestering, so SpikeyNDS knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Lagman did something crazy, like... start chucking wolverines at him or something. A few unfulfilled decades later, he gripped his broken R4 tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Lagman looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from SpikeyNDS. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame seven days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for SpikeyNDS. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Lagman walked over to the window and looked down. SpikeyNDS was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, SpikeyNDS was struggling to make his way through the secret vineyard behind Lagman's place. SpikeyNDS had severely hurt his double chin during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Yoshis suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the broken R4. One by one they latched on to SpikeyNDS. Already weakened from his injury, SpikeyNDS yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Yoshis running off with his broken R4.
About nine hours later, SpikeyNDS awoke, his love handle throbbing. It was dark and SpikeyNDS did not know where he was. Deep in the uninhabited swamp, SpikeyNDS was very lost. In a tragically predictable turn of events, he remembered that his broken R4 was taken by the Yoshis. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a enlarged Yoshi emerged from the bush. It was the alpha Yoshi. SpikeyNDS opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the Yoshi sunk its teeth into SpikeyNDS's scalp. With a faint groan, the life escaped from SpikeyNDS's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.
Less than seven miles away, Lagman was entombed by anguish over the loss of the broken R4. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened live hand grenade. With a careful thrust, he buried it deeply into his prostate. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about SpikeyNDS... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the broken R4 that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant Yoshis, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(
