In Over my Head
I just don't get it! I'm supposed to be happy and yet I have this "over my head feeling". Tomorrow I move into my new apartment and I'm already thinking about how I'm going to turn the electricity on and get food for the place. I don't want to get into further detail of my economic situation but lets just say i am beyond surprised that I even managed to get approval for this place BUT in my personal opinion it was a necessary move. Whats bugging me is that I'm supposed to be beyond elated and yet the shadows of recent events are covering my sky with fears. Am i to shy to say that I'm scared, NO. But right now, I would be lying if I was to say i did not feel like crying. I do and I'm so stubborn. Its one of those things about me I hate. When I need to show emotional pain, I bottle up like a Vulcan and keep it inside. Difference is, I'm not Vulcan, this holding of emotion is not healthy for me.
To make matters even more complicated I'm romantically scared. I care about someone and yet I constantly worry that she doesn't feel the same way. Maybe I'm just too self conscious and insecure I. Sometimes I just feel inadequate. Maybe its because American society teaches us to feel that way. I'm just not sure. I know that someone is supposed to love me for who I am as a person but its hard when you're a geek. Its hard when your idea of a perfect conversation is, "politics within gaming companies", console wars, wrestling and cIOS 249 (rev 11) and well, her is idea is way far from that. Dr.Phil says that the biggest difficulty with any kind of relationship is the minding of two worlds. What if your worlds are as different as the desert world of Vulcan and the Icy world of Andoria.
Granted, I love the way we compliment each other at times but, I love feeling as if I make someone happy. That IS my happiness. Its like, if a group of my friends and myself were offered morphers and were told to go save the world. The others would be reluctant about risking life and limb and me, i would be the one grabbing at it quickly, willing to give my all. Not for the power, or the fame, but just so that I can make a positive impact in someone's life. I'm tired of being a burden to people. It gets old and bothersome. Whats even more sad is the fact that in this society, its not what you know but who. Adult life is like high school. No, correction, "adult life IS high school". The only difference between the two is the fact that in adult life, the trivialities of "high school" is masked by rules and regulations. You follow the trend and everybody loves you. You decide to be an individual and you're shunned upon. Anywho I'm just ranting like crazy but I had to get it out.
I'm just so confused and hurting and i need to be hugged and held like crazy but nobody ever takes the time to hear (or in this case, read) this. People always ask, "Whats wrong Lighty?" but when I go to tell, its always "Man, up" or "Stop whining". Honestly, how can one expect for someone to eventually feel better if they can never get their emotions out. Has anyone read the suicide rates of men compared to that of females?! it's staggering! Appalling! Its like society expects the male gender to have hearts of steel and it doesn't work that way. We have hopes and fears, things that make us happy and thins that make us want to burst in tears. Maybe of people would stop clinging onto this false idea of what a man should be and just let the man "live" maybe things wouldn't be so messed up in society.
Ok Ok... enough ranting! I will bring you all a proper blog either later tonight to before SmackDown! tomorrow. it all depends on what i will be doing with my apartment.
Milk & Cookies
Lightning Kid =
=
I just don't get it! I'm supposed to be happy and yet I have this "over my head feeling". Tomorrow I move into my new apartment and I'm already thinking about how I'm going to turn the electricity on and get food for the place. I don't want to get into further detail of my economic situation but lets just say i am beyond surprised that I even managed to get approval for this place BUT in my personal opinion it was a necessary move. Whats bugging me is that I'm supposed to be beyond elated and yet the shadows of recent events are covering my sky with fears. Am i to shy to say that I'm scared, NO. But right now, I would be lying if I was to say i did not feel like crying. I do and I'm so stubborn. Its one of those things about me I hate. When I need to show emotional pain, I bottle up like a Vulcan and keep it inside. Difference is, I'm not Vulcan, this holding of emotion is not healthy for me.
To make matters even more complicated I'm romantically scared. I care about someone and yet I constantly worry that she doesn't feel the same way. Maybe I'm just too self conscious and insecure I. Sometimes I just feel inadequate. Maybe its because American society teaches us to feel that way. I'm just not sure. I know that someone is supposed to love me for who I am as a person but its hard when you're a geek. Its hard when your idea of a perfect conversation is, "politics within gaming companies", console wars, wrestling and cIOS 249 (rev 11) and well, her is idea is way far from that. Dr.Phil says that the biggest difficulty with any kind of relationship is the minding of two worlds. What if your worlds are as different as the desert world of Vulcan and the Icy world of Andoria.
Granted, I love the way we compliment each other at times but, I love feeling as if I make someone happy. That IS my happiness. Its like, if a group of my friends and myself were offered morphers and were told to go save the world. The others would be reluctant about risking life and limb and me, i would be the one grabbing at it quickly, willing to give my all. Not for the power, or the fame, but just so that I can make a positive impact in someone's life. I'm tired of being a burden to people. It gets old and bothersome. Whats even more sad is the fact that in this society, its not what you know but who. Adult life is like high school. No, correction, "adult life IS high school". The only difference between the two is the fact that in adult life, the trivialities of "high school" is masked by rules and regulations. You follow the trend and everybody loves you. You decide to be an individual and you're shunned upon. Anywho I'm just ranting like crazy but I had to get it out.
I'm just so confused and hurting and i need to be hugged and held like crazy but nobody ever takes the time to hear (or in this case, read) this. People always ask, "Whats wrong Lighty?" but when I go to tell, its always "Man, up" or "Stop whining". Honestly, how can one expect for someone to eventually feel better if they can never get their emotions out. Has anyone read the suicide rates of men compared to that of females?! it's staggering! Appalling! Its like society expects the male gender to have hearts of steel and it doesn't work that way. We have hopes and fears, things that make us happy and thins that make us want to burst in tears. Maybe of people would stop clinging onto this false idea of what a man should be and just let the man "live" maybe things wouldn't be so messed up in society.
Ok Ok... enough ranting! I will bring you all a proper blog either later tonight to before SmackDown! tomorrow. it all depends on what i will be doing with my apartment.
Milk & Cookies
Lightning Kid =
=
