I really have no purpose in this blog except to vent, I'm fucking cursed, and ScuberSteve posted a tell all a while back that was inspiring. Normally I would never do a "tell all" but if someone did enough reading they can track down pieces and tidbits I'd never want known. So what not clear the fucking air? You see at first when I cam to GBAtemp I was a bit more open with life as I was retired from my work of pushing smut, I was a stay at home dad enjoying life and retirement.
Well lets go over the basics, go from ground zero shall we? Some of you might have already read my movie I wrote and if you have by all means fast forward, if not well... if you think your life sucks sit down and buckle the fuck up.
I am an ex bad person, I lived a long life of crime, I at one point used to be hired "muscle" and I have done a lot of things I have regretted, and now I am a porn producer. One might say that if I am unhappy with my life well Karma might have a big play in all of this? But again let us start from the very beginning. I was the product of a drugged up mother who never wanted a kid, let alone a boy. The only good thing a 3 month old baby boy was good for was an astray apparently. At around the age of 7-11 I was locked in a garage, basement, or closet (depending on what country/state I lived in) and was made to kneel in the corner. Not sit but kneel. Had I fallen asleep I would get beaten with a broom...and so yes that mean no sleeping and often NOT eating, and I did not see light for often days.
At almost 12 I was freed only to move in with my father. Which would soon become an abusive home life and the pressure of being a freak at school and not being the son my dad wanted me to be was too much to burden. I attempted suicide on several attempts mainly to fail. To afraid to pull the trigger on my head as my luck would lead me to believe I'd be a veggie for the rest of my life I turned my frustration to my peers. At 15 years old I was dropped off in this country and my parents went back to their country. I had no money, no home, no shelter, no food, no family, no friends.
I slept on the beach, park benches, under stair wells, ect. I ended up getting a job as a paper boy and a bus boy using a fake ID. (For bus boy, not paperboy). I did all this while trying to stay in school. At some point I started getting paid by girls to sleep with them. Not directly but more so as a "Don't go to work and just fuck me, I'll give you what you would have made" sort of thing. Eventually I didn't even have a job just said I did. School eventually found out I had no guardian and at 17 kicked me out as you need a legal parent/guardian in order to stay in school. 2 weeks prior to getting kicked out I had brought several firearms to school with me.
I turned to Jesus for like a year mainly for the free pizza but had a epiphany and thought I would have a purpose. I thought maybe...just MAYBE life would get better? Maybe it was all for the movie, I'd help people and get a break, I don't know...some fucked up shit in my head to cope with the fucked up reality I had.
Unemployed I got a job at 17 beating people up for money. It sucked ass but I manly hurt people who did bad stuff. I ended up hurting someone bad who tried to rape a chick, went to jail, my boss bailed me out and said get the fuck outta town.
I got a job for a company that makes operating systems in the research department. Those registration cards you fill out, I was involved in the team that called you to make sure everything was to your expectations. I worked HARD for a year, no car, literally worked 12 hours a day with a 1 hour walk home and back. My mom had called me during this time frame of me getting my shit together and acted like she wanted to be my mom again. She called me for 3 months on every monday to see how I was. Then she asked me for a favor, my life savings. which she would pay back in 30 days. I gave her the money and never heard back from her again.
I get a job as a porn actor and for once a bit of stress is taken off me, 5 months later my fiancee and I brake up and she takes the house and everything in it. No worries as money is a flowing now. The porn gig was alright really, good money, nice hours, ect, ect but I am still depressed. I want a family, shit I have been trying to make one since I was 12. At 21 I get my first kid and have enough money to retire. Problem is I get another kid that I did NOT have enough money for.
I struggle for years to stay retired and manage and invest, I get a job at a computer store and get fired for being an ex porn star (A chick knew who I was). Money is now tight. During this time my father moves to America and says to me to move to Chicago where we will open a computer store. I leave behind all my porn connections for the strait life to find out he lied and thinks computers are silly. My fiancee moves me to a place she can't afford, mortgage, property tax, all VERY high. I HAVE to go back to the world of porn.
What stopped me from offing myself prior was hope "There was a point to it all" when nothing got better it was "hope of a family"
Now being a producer I am never home, I can't be the father I want to be. I keep getting hit with setbacks, Feds raid me on Christmas, people stealing my equipment, and today one of my check suppliers says "I can't give you the 4k I owe you cause "blah, blah, blah"
I've been working since I was 15, I have been struggling since I was 15, I am tired, I am cursed, oh and get this....so I am depressed and my doctor gives me Prozac which stops me from having emotional brake downs. The Prozac makes me lose my ability to cum on command so I have to work depressed or be happy and not work at all. I could go be an actor at a whopping $400 a flick or I can produce and make much more money but its like a lot more stressful. Who makes more money the burger flipper at McDonalds or the guy who OWNS the McDonalds. But the stress is higher to make sure kids aren't taking home trays, food, and pocketing from the register.
Listen, I am not depressed over my job... 50% of the time it is a great gig I just miss my kids, and they are getting older and once again those things I crave are getting ripped away from me. Every dream, every hope, POOF. 28 years and only one of em was not awful.
Oh the economy sucks which is bad timing for me and I can't become a citizen cause of my criminal record.
I don't know, I wish I could say to those troubled teens out there that it gets better but it doesn't or it may not. Even if you work hard uncontrollable factors will sneak in and FUCK you. And it seems the better guy I try to be the worse off I end up.
I have no friends except GBAtemp and that, no offense guys, is pretty sad.
I am Jack's wasted existence.
Well lets go over the basics, go from ground zero shall we? Some of you might have already read my movie I wrote and if you have by all means fast forward, if not well... if you think your life sucks sit down and buckle the fuck up.
I am an ex bad person, I lived a long life of crime, I at one point used to be hired "muscle" and I have done a lot of things I have regretted, and now I am a porn producer. One might say that if I am unhappy with my life well Karma might have a big play in all of this? But again let us start from the very beginning. I was the product of a drugged up mother who never wanted a kid, let alone a boy. The only good thing a 3 month old baby boy was good for was an astray apparently. At around the age of 7-11 I was locked in a garage, basement, or closet (depending on what country/state I lived in) and was made to kneel in the corner. Not sit but kneel. Had I fallen asleep I would get beaten with a broom...and so yes that mean no sleeping and often NOT eating, and I did not see light for often days.
At almost 12 I was freed only to move in with my father. Which would soon become an abusive home life and the pressure of being a freak at school and not being the son my dad wanted me to be was too much to burden. I attempted suicide on several attempts mainly to fail. To afraid to pull the trigger on my head as my luck would lead me to believe I'd be a veggie for the rest of my life I turned my frustration to my peers. At 15 years old I was dropped off in this country and my parents went back to their country. I had no money, no home, no shelter, no food, no family, no friends.
I slept on the beach, park benches, under stair wells, ect. I ended up getting a job as a paper boy and a bus boy using a fake ID. (For bus boy, not paperboy). I did all this while trying to stay in school. At some point I started getting paid by girls to sleep with them. Not directly but more so as a "Don't go to work and just fuck me, I'll give you what you would have made" sort of thing. Eventually I didn't even have a job just said I did. School eventually found out I had no guardian and at 17 kicked me out as you need a legal parent/guardian in order to stay in school. 2 weeks prior to getting kicked out I had brought several firearms to school with me.
I turned to Jesus for like a year mainly for the free pizza but had a epiphany and thought I would have a purpose. I thought maybe...just MAYBE life would get better? Maybe it was all for the movie, I'd help people and get a break, I don't know...some fucked up shit in my head to cope with the fucked up reality I had.
Unemployed I got a job at 17 beating people up for money. It sucked ass but I manly hurt people who did bad stuff. I ended up hurting someone bad who tried to rape a chick, went to jail, my boss bailed me out and said get the fuck outta town.
I got a job for a company that makes operating systems in the research department. Those registration cards you fill out, I was involved in the team that called you to make sure everything was to your expectations. I worked HARD for a year, no car, literally worked 12 hours a day with a 1 hour walk home and back. My mom had called me during this time frame of me getting my shit together and acted like she wanted to be my mom again. She called me for 3 months on every monday to see how I was. Then she asked me for a favor, my life savings. which she would pay back in 30 days. I gave her the money and never heard back from her again.
I get a job as a porn actor and for once a bit of stress is taken off me, 5 months later my fiancee and I brake up and she takes the house and everything in it. No worries as money is a flowing now. The porn gig was alright really, good money, nice hours, ect, ect but I am still depressed. I want a family, shit I have been trying to make one since I was 12. At 21 I get my first kid and have enough money to retire. Problem is I get another kid that I did NOT have enough money for.
I struggle for years to stay retired and manage and invest, I get a job at a computer store and get fired for being an ex porn star (A chick knew who I was). Money is now tight. During this time my father moves to America and says to me to move to Chicago where we will open a computer store. I leave behind all my porn connections for the strait life to find out he lied and thinks computers are silly. My fiancee moves me to a place she can't afford, mortgage, property tax, all VERY high. I HAVE to go back to the world of porn.
What stopped me from offing myself prior was hope "There was a point to it all" when nothing got better it was "hope of a family"
Now being a producer I am never home, I can't be the father I want to be. I keep getting hit with setbacks, Feds raid me on Christmas, people stealing my equipment, and today one of my check suppliers says "I can't give you the 4k I owe you cause "blah, blah, blah"
I've been working since I was 15, I have been struggling since I was 15, I am tired, I am cursed, oh and get this....so I am depressed and my doctor gives me Prozac which stops me from having emotional brake downs. The Prozac makes me lose my ability to cum on command so I have to work depressed or be happy and not work at all. I could go be an actor at a whopping $400 a flick or I can produce and make much more money but its like a lot more stressful. Who makes more money the burger flipper at McDonalds or the guy who OWNS the McDonalds. But the stress is higher to make sure kids aren't taking home trays, food, and pocketing from the register.
Listen, I am not depressed over my job... 50% of the time it is a great gig I just miss my kids, and they are getting older and once again those things I crave are getting ripped away from me. Every dream, every hope, POOF. 28 years and only one of em was not awful.
Oh the economy sucks which is bad timing for me and I can't become a citizen cause of my criminal record.
I don't know, I wish I could say to those troubled teens out there that it gets better but it doesn't or it may not. Even if you work hard uncontrollable factors will sneak in and FUCK you. And it seems the better guy I try to be the worse off I end up.
I have no friends except GBAtemp and that, no offense guys, is pretty sad.
I am Jack's wasted existence.
