The past decade

When I first joined the Temp, I never intended to go anywhere with this account. I created a quick throwaway account because the site was locked down from guests and I had to make an account to see the progress being made on the patches for the Japanese release of Pokemon SoulSilver/HeartGold and Bowser’s Inside Story. I just joined to bitch about not being able to see the site and how I wanted these patches to be released already, simply put, I was one of those members back then. I don’t remember what kept me posting, I think it was just to ask for help in the M3 scene concerning a few issues I was having and not being able to find the solution to these issues. Regardless of my reasons for staying on the Temp, I stayed nonetheless and started posting more regularly. I never once thought I would still be here 10 years later, nor did I think so much would have happened, so much would have changed, and just how different my life truly turned out.

This past decade has left me scarred, damaged, depressed, and still recovering from everything that has happened, everything the Temp was informed about or only saw the effects of. I struggled for years with issues like abuse, substance abuse, gender/sexuality issues, and just so much that happened, things I never saw coming when I started at the age of 18. I started when I was just about to finish high school and ready to see just what life had going for me. At no point did I expect this site to help me find out so much more about myself and taught me so much about the hacking community. I started posting M3 news because I was eager to share the latest M3 updates with the community and since I was going to be active, I needed something to do with my time as I waited for new ROMs to be dumped and new APs to be cracked. During those times I ended up connecting to a lot of the members, members like Densetsu, who helped me out when I was struggling with my identity. During this time that my life started making small changes in the real world. High school ended and I moved in with my boyfriend and a friend of mine, I was starting to look for a job, it was pretty bog-standard stuff for someone who considered themselves a gay male. On the Temp I was just your standard helpful user doing my best to help people out, I wasn’t that invested on the site as I had a lot more going on in my life to worry about. When I moved out of state and halfway across the country is when my life truly started to change. My boyfriend’s family lived in a very isolated location and I lacked a car, job, cellphone, internet, etc.. I ended up being completely dependent on my ex-boyfriend for everything because he had money and phone and his mom had a car. This period resulted in a very long period where I wasn’t online much and I wasn’t able to reach out to anyone, I don’t remember a lot that happened during this time and there is much on record to refresh my memory. I do, however, remember Costello reaching out to me to hire me to work on Filetrip and he would pay for my internet, something that seriously helped me out big time.

This is kind of where my memory gets hazier because a lot happened and I struggle to connect a lot of the timeline. I remember working hard on Filetrip and working hard to get us into a better living situation. It gets rather fuzzy because I was finally starting to struggle with my gender and sexuality, something my ex wasn’t too keen on and often felt the need to mock. This kind of abuse left me torn as to what to do and often just resulted in multiple suicide attempts because I felt like there was no escape. If I didn’t have my partner’s support, whose support would I have? Most people mocked anyone like me, coupled with being so far from home that I had no idea how I would get back home if everything fell apart and I had no lifelines. I felt trapped in my own body, I felt trapped in a relationship, I felt trapped in life and my online posting habits started to reflect that. I struggled with communicating with people because I felt like everything I said was going to be judged and I was going to need to defend myself with every post, why? Because that’s how I had to communicate with my ex, constantly defending myself. I felt like any doubt in my gender, sexuality, or other personal matters would be weaponized against me, why? Because that just wants my ex was doing to me. My life during these years was just my ex treating me like a brainless idiot, pushing people who cared about me away, and me attempting (and twice “succeeding”) to end my life. Multiple times had I suffered very public meltdowns as I struggled with an abusive relationship that was slowly tearing me from the inside. I wanted so hard to not hate myself, yet my ex and his boyfriend were destroying my life. Being forced into a poly relationship was bad enough, but having a partner who also made me doubt everything through manipulation made everything so much worse. Truth be told, I am still struggling with getting through the manipulative abuse I was put through. Suffering through a never-ending cycle of trying to understand me and having someone do everything possible to ensure that was the most difficult task for me. I honestly don’t have a lot of solid memories from these years due to substance abuse, depression, and other issues causing them to be a serious blur for me. I have a lot of blog posts, but many that I deleted since they were often written with rose-tinted glasses. I do know I came out of this with some pretty horrible mental and physical scars, my short-term memory is a bit potato at times, and I still struggle with coping with the abuse.

It’s only been in recent months did I start getting better but it was at the cost of losing damn near everything I still cared about. Despite trying to better my life and being in a better situation as of nearly 2 years ago, I was suffering from drug and alcohol addiction. This personal abuse either leaving me so high and distraught that my life both online and offline started to fall apart. A lot of this was sadly reflected in my posts on the Temp, as often my posts were reflecting my failing mental stability. I made a blog recently talking about these past two years, so I will link here, as to not repeat everything. I also made a blog talking about my gender and sexuality, which are both honestly still a mess and I am kind of ok with that because now it’s my mess. It’s only been in recent months have I cut back on my drinking to the point where last weekend was the first time I got drunk in months and I wasn’t even remotely close to as bad as I have been in the past. I haven’t touched any painkillers since moving out of my old apartment back in February of 2019. I’ve been in college (taking a break however to deal with personal issues,) and I’ve been a high honor student studying psychology and social psychology. I’ve also been on hormones since April and my mental state has been slowly becoming more stable over time. I am now living with my girlfriend in a new state and we are starting to build our new life together from here.