For some months now, every single night, just right before falling asleep, I start thinking (inevitably) that I'm going to die sometime later.
I don't know why I've started to feel anxious about death. It's a 180° turn for me.
I've always been estoic/agnostic about many things in life, and one of them was the fact of seizing existence. Am I using that word correctly?
Anyways... like I said, just right before falling asleep I can't help but think for couple minutes about it.
Thoughts like:
"What's even the point of being here?"
"Why should I make an effort if at the end...?"
"What if there's an afterlife? Will be spiritual? Conscience?"
"What if not?"
"If there's one, does that has an end too?"
"What if afterlife is bounded to existence of Earth? Will I stop existing "definitely" after our planet dies?"
And the most hard for me to try to understand:
"How must be like not existing, not feeling?"
"Am I ready to not feel anything?"
Even if we agreed that sleeping is a "free trial of being dead" let me admit that I've had many lucid dreams. So even then, I'm somewhat conscious and I know that I'll return to the real world.
But this hits different. I can't seem to find an answer to sooth this anxiety.
Quite pointless, I know, but still.
I'm getting old when I wasn't supposed to be old in the first place.
That's depressing.
