After watching this movie, this is what I think happened:
Disney: we've almost finished the movie... oh no, it sucks! What do we do now?
Satan: hire a black woman for the blue fairy and make her bald. People will complain about her, ignoring the real flaws of the movie
Disney: yes master
I want to make it clear that, to me, Cynthia Erivo was not the problem. Neither Sheila Atim or the non-white kids. This movie is disgusting for different reasons.
Where do I even start...
- Pinocchio doesn't act like a boy, or like he needs Jiminy Cricket. The puppet is Jesus Christ in this movie, with zero flaws. Oh, Pinocchio gave in the fox and the cat? No, actually our Jesuschio went to school, but it was the CLOSE MINDED TEACHER who kicked him out because "puppets belong to a puppet show", and Pinocchio gets there this time, because why the fuck wouldn't he? He got kicked out of school and the fox made the point that "well, your teacher said so"
- Signora Vitelli, a teacher that Geppetto and Pinocchio see on her way to school. She has just one line in italian. She literally says "Hey Geppetto, how are you?" and then leaves. Asking "how are you?" without expecting an actual response is an american thing, not an italian thing. That would've been weird as fuck if it happened for real.
- The italian accents are SO WRONG. Why is Jiminy Cricket calling Pinocchio "Pinook"? Call him "Pino" like the fucking tree (and an actual name). As much as I love Tom Hanks, I couldn't believe for one moment he was an old italian fool. The only two actors who IMO were able to talk normally were the one who tried to buy Geppetto's clocks and Stromboli, literally the only italian actor
- Again, how Jesuschio in the whole movie doesn't get fooled by anything. Pleasure island? Oh, he didn't want to go, but he got PEER PRESSURED. Since when does he care about a bunch of assholes who laughed at him when his teacher kicked him out? What's the point of making a perfect character? To show that everyone else is wrong?
- The blue fairy and the fox and the cat's onscreen time was non-existant. Was the CGI too expensive?
- Everything was written in english, with the exception of one easter egg, the soap "Collodi", named after the writer of the story. And the translations are so wrong. "Pleasure island"???????????????????????????? It's the LAND OF TOYS. IL PAESE DEI BALOCCHI.
- The CGI was awful in some parts, like when Tom Hanks holds Jesuschio or when they're drinking (root?) beer
- I get that we live in a PC world now, but would it really have been that bad to let the kids smoke CGI cigars? You show one taking a huff and he fucking dies coughing or something
- Since Disney seems to love cultural representation (something they fucked up badly here), would it have killed to have literally more than one italian actor in an italian story? There aren't many famous italian actors worldwide, but Roberto Benigni actually made a Pinocchio movie where he was Pinocchio. Could he have made at least a tiny cameo? Or does Disney hate him because the (average) movie he made is ten times better than what they made?
- The part where Stromboli counts the money was cut and I'm only mentioning it because it really looked like it was abruptedly cut from the movie. I feel like that was an important part of the movie because it showed how Pinocchio was kind-hearted, but also very naive. That can't happen for Jesuschio though
The only things I liked from this abomination:
- The blue fairy, Fabiana (the ventriloquist girl) and Stromboli were the best characters in this thing
- The fact that the movie didn't go "OMG YOU'RE ALIVE! Ok go to sleep, you're going to school tomorrow zzz" but actually gave Geppetto and Jesuschio more than two minutes together before sending him to school
- Fabiana was too nice for this movie. If they ever make a spinoff of her, I'd give that a shot
Listen, I know that the original Disney movie was not accurate to the book at all. But I would've hated this thing even if they made the "sea monster" (REALLY?) a shark like the book. There is a fundamental problem with Jesuschio and the movie overall. This has to be the worst Disney movie I've ever seen in my life.
Disney: we've almost finished the movie... oh no, it sucks! What do we do now?
Satan: hire a black woman for the blue fairy and make her bald. People will complain about her, ignoring the real flaws of the movie
Disney: yes master
I want to make it clear that, to me, Cynthia Erivo was not the problem. Neither Sheila Atim or the non-white kids. This movie is disgusting for different reasons.
Where do I even start...
- Pinocchio doesn't act like a boy, or like he needs Jiminy Cricket. The puppet is Jesus Christ in this movie, with zero flaws. Oh, Pinocchio gave in the fox and the cat? No, actually our Jesuschio went to school, but it was the CLOSE MINDED TEACHER who kicked him out because "puppets belong to a puppet show", and Pinocchio gets there this time, because why the fuck wouldn't he? He got kicked out of school and the fox made the point that "well, your teacher said so"
- Signora Vitelli, a teacher that Geppetto and Pinocchio see on her way to school. She has just one line in italian. She literally says "Hey Geppetto, how are you?" and then leaves. Asking "how are you?" without expecting an actual response is an american thing, not an italian thing. That would've been weird as fuck if it happened for real.
- The italian accents are SO WRONG. Why is Jiminy Cricket calling Pinocchio "Pinook"? Call him "Pino" like the fucking tree (and an actual name). As much as I love Tom Hanks, I couldn't believe for one moment he was an old italian fool. The only two actors who IMO were able to talk normally were the one who tried to buy Geppetto's clocks and Stromboli, literally the only italian actor
- Again, how Jesuschio in the whole movie doesn't get fooled by anything. Pleasure island? Oh, he didn't want to go, but he got PEER PRESSURED. Since when does he care about a bunch of assholes who laughed at him when his teacher kicked him out? What's the point of making a perfect character? To show that everyone else is wrong?
- The blue fairy and the fox and the cat's onscreen time was non-existant. Was the CGI too expensive?
- Everything was written in english, with the exception of one easter egg, the soap "Collodi", named after the writer of the story. And the translations are so wrong. "Pleasure island"???????????????????????????? It's the LAND OF TOYS. IL PAESE DEI BALOCCHI.
- The CGI was awful in some parts, like when Tom Hanks holds Jesuschio or when they're drinking (root?) beer
- I get that we live in a PC world now, but would it really have been that bad to let the kids smoke CGI cigars? You show one taking a huff and he fucking dies coughing or something
- Since Disney seems to love cultural representation (something they fucked up badly here), would it have killed to have literally more than one italian actor in an italian story? There aren't many famous italian actors worldwide, but Roberto Benigni actually made a Pinocchio movie where he was Pinocchio. Could he have made at least a tiny cameo? Or does Disney hate him because the (average) movie he made is ten times better than what they made?
- The part where Stromboli counts the money was cut and I'm only mentioning it because it really looked like it was abruptedly cut from the movie. I feel like that was an important part of the movie because it showed how Pinocchio was kind-hearted, but also very naive. That can't happen for Jesuschio though
The only things I liked from this abomination:
- The blue fairy, Fabiana (the ventriloquist girl) and Stromboli were the best characters in this thing
- The fact that the movie didn't go "OMG YOU'RE ALIVE! Ok go to sleep, you're going to school tomorrow zzz" but actually gave Geppetto and Jesuschio more than two minutes together before sending him to school
- Fabiana was too nice for this movie. If they ever make a spinoff of her, I'd give that a shot
Listen, I know that the original Disney movie was not accurate to the book at all. But I would've hated this thing even if they made the "sea monster" (REALLY?) a shark like the book. There is a fundamental problem with Jesuschio and the movie overall. This has to be the worst Disney movie I've ever seen in my life.
